17wks, 4 days: kicks galore!

Yesterday was the most active bubs has ever been. It was truly amazing, it kicked non-stop all day long. I was quite stressed yesterday, which is probably why. I had some stuff going on with a forum I am a long-tem member of (I was a moderator), where I was demoted because of my "extreme" homebirthing views. I was pretty shocked and upset, and I think bubby sensed this and was probably flooded with stress hormones, and thus actually  in distress itself (I am so sorry, little bubby). Today it's been fairly quiet though, and I think it's probably exhausted from yesterday. I hope it's having a good rest and having some lovely dreams.

Our scan is in 10 days, and I am thrilled but nervous. I feel we are invading bubby's personal space, a place we're not meant to see, not supposed to be privy to. There are also, naturally, concerns that there may be something wrong physically with bubby, though I'd rather find that out now then at the birth itself. We *will* be finding out the sex, though because we want to keep it a secret from family and friends, I might not post it on here. My blog is public so I'm not sure who reads it. We'll see! I do want to share it, though :)

I've only had two gender dreams thus far: the first, we had a perfectly beautiful little girl. The second, I gave birth to gorgeous non-identical twin boys. So apparently I have no intuition whatsoever (a shame, as I hoped I might) and have no inkling of what bubs is. Can't wait to find out.

Malaysia in 6wks. Currently trying to organise flight insurance. Looks like I won't be able to get cover for my pregnancy without going through a medical and filling out loads of ridiculous forms, and then paying a hugely ridiculous sum for said cover. We'll be there 6 nights, and the only thing that can go wrong is I stillbirth, as I'll be 21-22 weeks, so I would deal with that if it happened. Otherwise we can get normal cover for both of us for about $90, which sounds okay.

Also, we might be moving to Canberra - eek! More on that next week.

16wks - scan booked, and belly is growing.

My little Bun, at 16wks:

It's so hard, being pregnant. Not only are you forced to everyday wade through the quagmire of information and advice out there, sifting through and trying to work out what's rubbish and what's useful - you also have to cope with your own anxieties and fears, and work out what's you being paranoid, and what's something that might actually be worth getting investigated.

For me, it's been the size of my growing tummy. In the mornings my tummy, when I'm lying down, is quit literally as flat as it ever was, with nary even the tiniest of bumps to see. It's only when I stand up that a little bump appears, and then usually that bump continues to get bigger throughout the day, culminating in the largest bump immediately after eating dinner. So I'm constantly telling myself that my bump *isn't* big enough, isn't developing properly, and Ben actually had to stop me approaching another  woman in the supermarket today (who was obviously pregnant, with a bump about the same size as mine) so I could ask her how far along she was! "What if she's not pregnant and there's something wrong with her!" he hissed. "Better to be safe than sorry."

I have my first meeting with a midwife on Monday, which is really exciting. She's coming to our home, which worries me a bit, as I'm not used to inviting strangers in! I don't entertain often as it is, I much prefer to go to other's houses and see them there. So hopefully it all goes to plan - I haven't spoken to her much, and don't know a lot about her, but she is going to use the doppler on me and hopefully we'll pick something up! I also assume she'll palpate my uterus and check its development as well. Not sure about that aspect, as I've heard it's quite uncomfortable, but anything to allay my belly-growing fears, I suppose.

And our 18-20wk Morphology Scan is booked in on the 15th Feb. This is one we have always planned to have, just this one though. Can't wait, though I'm also apprehensive about it, as we haven't seen bubs yet and this is the first chance we'll have to check that everything is growing properly and on-track in terms of physical development. We'll also be finding out the sex, but keeping it a secret from family and friends - we're eager to find out oursevles but don't want to end up with a cache of blue or pink items - I'd much rather whites and other basics. We'll buy a few gender-specific outfits ourselves.

Oh, and also - we're off to Malaysia in 8wks! Holy moly! Still working out the passports and getting the bookings all confirmed (though it's paid for). Ben has a 3 day chocolate course, during which I'll be wandering about in Times Square, Kuala Lumpur's biggest shopping mall with 900+ shops. Then we have three days together afterwards. We're staying in a hotel directly above it, so I should be pretty safe, and I've bought two long-sleeved button-up cotton tops, to fit in with Malaysia's clothing etiquette (the less skin shown, the better).

14wks, 2 days

Yes, oops, I haven't updated for a while!

What to tell...

We still don't have a midwife booked. Not yet, anyway. It's so difficult trying to work out how we will pay for one, as well as our trip to Malaysia in 8wks which unfortunately (or fortunately) was brought about before we fell pregnant.

We've bought three bibs, three suits and three singlets. That's all so far, as who ants to jinx anything? ;) Although we are 14 weeks, 2 days we haven't yet had an ultrasound or heard baby's heartbeat. The main reason we haven't had an ultrasound yet is because of unproven yet rife research around which examines the effects of ultrasound on developing foetuses, particularly in the early stages. One report I found a few days ago (and of course I have completely lost it now) said that babies of women who own dopplers (foetal heart monitors) at home, which use similar yet more concentrated sound waves than ultrasound, are 30% more likely to have uterine defects at birth. Not sure whether that's true or not, but I guess the point is that we don't yet fully understand the effects that ultrasound has on developing babies. No one can conclusively say that "ultrasounds in pregnancy DO NOT increase risks of cancer in later life" or "DO NOT increase the risk of developing alzheimers disease" etc., as no long term studies have been done. They can't have been, because ultrasound on babies has only been in common use for pregnancies for the last 30 or so years.
So we made a decision to only have the 18-20wk morphology scan, which will be in about a month or so. How thrilling..!!! I have to admit I do feel a little lost, not having seen my babe and not feeling reassured that everything is going fine in there. However that's MY selfishness at play - me seeing that baby is fine through an ultrasound does nothing for the baby, it only serves to placate ME (and then possibly damage baby). So I've chosen not to be selfish and inflict *possibly* damaging US on my baby. It will all be worth it in the long run, though.

What else? Hmmm. Oh - we did almost move to QLD - twice! Ben was offered two jobs and each turned out to be dodgy, so we declined both (not without being $600 out of pocket flying him up for an interview, and hours worth of stress on my behalf working out the logistics of moving up there). I think we're stuck down here for now, thank god, as it was becoming too stressful. I've told Ben he can re-visit the possibility now *after* the baby is born, though after finding out it'll cost us about $5000 for the moving truck alone, I'm suddenly not as keen...

I will have to post up a pic. Here's me at 12 weeks. I haven't changed a lot since that one, though I feel like I have filled out a little more.